The person who has influenced me the most, more than my parents would be a friend of mine, James C. Howlett from Canada. I first met him during a conference in 2004, and he was already 18 at that time. Leaning against the wall, smoking a cigar, strangely, he seemed to be the picture of loneliness. The fact that he had a handcuff on his hand had always been a source of questions to me then. Saying that he was staying in Malaysia permanently, I found him an intriguing person, and as we went on, we developed a brotherly bond, a something not many best friends would even achieve nor dream.

“Why does he influence you so much?” you might ask. It was when I noticed how similar we were in some matters, and In tribute to our friendship, I decided to be more like him, to enhance the similar characteristics we share that binds us together. I even changed my middle name to Howlett in honour of this. Perhaps this would be the influence that I would likely answer.

3 months after our fateful meeting, he came up to me with sad news. He had to go back to Canada. I would much prefer to have bricks thrown at my face one by one than hear, and feel the impact of those words.

He is always lonely; people tend to judge others by their appearance, and I know that for a fact. His large, muscular build, dark eyebrows and gangly gait tends to repel other’s emotions for him. But no one realizes, no one knows, that if they venture deeply into his soul, behind the gruff appearance, a person willing to help at whatever the cost was hidden there, a soul that cared but just couldn’t show it. And yet, I can’t blame it on him; his parents died when he was young ; he grew up as an orphan, never cared for, never tended for.

He also prefers to take moves that no one else does, making him almost unsuitable for any group activity, and thus, living up to his ‘one-man-job’ phrase, tends to go solo on any assignment given to him. To some people, this might sound rash, but the cost of it? Whenever he truly needs a group to work with, his harsh voice and semi-Texan slang intimidates people and causes them to back-away in fear.

These characteristics, only too similar to mine, makes me understand how he feels. If God could just grant the ability to others to see the true person inside each other, both me and Howlett wouldn’t have gotten on so lonely. And yet, if I think about it, I suppose that if that hadn’t happened, me and Howlett wouldn’t have known each other. But we have come to realize that we can’t change the world, and there is simply no point for false hope. We’ve just got to carry on being ourselves. Fate is truly a fickle and unfair thing, but maybe it has it’s purpose. Who knows what will happen?

It has been exactly 45 days from the day I am writing this since I last saw and heard from him. He sent me an invitation for a video chat, and I noticed, that after almost two years, he still hasn’t changed a bit. The jet black, backwards-spiked hair, smoking a fine cigar not many could afford, and the stubbly face that only smiled weakly. And even then, that smile showed only whenever he was truly happy, a smile that according to him, appeared only when he was with me.

“Wh-where are you?”

“In the hospital… Look, there’s something I gotta tell you, bub.”

“Hm?”

“You best take care of yourself, you know, kiddo?”

“I…still don’t get where this is goin…”

“I’ve got cancer. Liver.”

“Aha… you’re kidding me again. One of your jokes, right? I’m not a kid anymore. I’m 15 now.”

“Leon, this is no joke…”

“NO!!!! Why?! Then what the hell are you smoking for? There’s gotta be a chance for a cure, there has to be! Don’t give up yet! You’re my only true friend I’ve ever had, you know it!”

“I’m sorry… doc says it’s beyond cure….you’d best take care of yourself. You don’t wanna end up like Jamesy here, right?”

“No….”

“Hmph, but I’m gonna go somewhere else, somewhere better, and… be happy. You’ll let me leave hapy, right? Be strong.”

“Please…”

“I’ll let you in on a secret. You wanna know why I wear a cuff? You’ve always wanted to know. It’s to remind me of a crime of love I did. Sorta, hm? Actually, I just couldn’t find the key.”

And that was that. After that, I no longer heard news of him. Until the email he asked the doctor to send me yesterday, at 4.27 a.m. I couldn’t help it. I dropped to the ground, and knelt there. For all I know, it was the end of the world for me. As I sat there, I tried to hold on to the last words I heard from him: “Be strong”. I tried, and failed. I burst out crying. Why’d he have to die?

For now, until something does happen, I guess James will be watching over me. And me? I’ll just wait… being another lone wolf…waiting. I’d really like a handcuff. Hopefully… it will serve as a reminder. A reminder of happiness and sorrow. A reminder of loneliness and company. A reminder that will last till the end of eternity.

Touchy, and ridiculous, some might say, particularly the dialogue. I’m sure you’ll even think that this blogger watches too many movies, or has the imagination of a thousand kids. Or maybe an imaginary friend this boy has. I'd really want to post pics of him ,but I haven't got any. But who needs pictures when you have eternal memories? Say what you want, this is my memory, my memory of a true, everlasting friendship and brotherhood, the block that builds my part of Memoria and Valhalla.

In tribute of James C.Howlett
1985 - 2006

~Mervin til'Leon Howlett Dlance